Depression always hits me hardest in the mornings. I struggle to get out of bed as it is, but when I listen to its taunts before I even open my eyes, the temptation to hide is all too real. Before I know it, my day is written off. I’ve already blamed myself for everything I failed at, all my missed opportunities, and every minute I’ve wasted.
I really, really dislike mornings. Perhaps it’s a consequence of the long nights of insomnia I had as a teenager that still pop up every few months, leaving me to think about everything far too deeply until my thoughts are no longer my own. Ultimately though, I dread mornings because I believe I’ve already lost the battle with Depression before the day has even started.
Depression sucks you in and drains you of rationale and hope. It makes you believe that tomorrow will only be worse, and that you cannot possibly survive it. Every morning, Depression tells me I’m a failure. Sometimes I find myself believing it.
Yet this funny thing keeps happening to me every day. You see, I survive. Every morning when I open my eyes, light floods in and I have made it to tomorrow. Every morning as I struggle to push off the weight of depression and anxiety, I am victorious because I am alive. Despite the feelings of heaviness and dread that probe at me, I have made it to today, and that means that I will make it to tomorrow.
Depression says this moment defines me, but tomorrow promises I am more than these feelings. Tomorrow promises healing and moments that will become memories. Tomorrow gives me the courage to fight for today, because once this moment was a far off hope that I have fought to live in.
“There is always tomorrow.”
They are simple words, yet they are words we fight for. When we put the blade down or step away from the alcohol; when we walk through the door to see our counsellor again, or question the lies Depression tells us. We will fight for tomorrow because we believe that we are deserving of more than a life of pain.
Because I know tomorrow exists, I have permission to hope for today. The decision to believe that tomorrow could be better, that things could change, is what makes today beautiful. It doesn’t mean I’m not struggling, and it doesn’t change the fact I may feel broken, but it means that I have taken back this moment from the darkness; that I have clung to the belief that I was made for more than this emptiness, and because I have done this, I have won.
Tomorrow starts today. It starts with my decision to get up and have some time to myself before I brave the world. It starts with my self talk, reinforcing the fact that today will not be a failure, and that there is potential for growth and change. Today, I will remember that I have won this moment from the darkness and made it into a beautiful page of my own story. Today I will celebrate being alive.
We will have hard days, when the darkness feels like it’s nearly too much to bear. That is Depression, that is anxiety and that is addiction, but that is not tomorrow. Tomorrow is hope. Tomorrow is rich will the possibilities that things can and will be full of chances to truly feel alive.
Let us fight for tomorrow, because when we do so, we conquer today.
This blog was published on Hope Movement on July 17, 2015. You can read it here.